Fully Restored

In the time that I married my husband over five years ago, I never had such unexpected chaos happen in such a short amount of time—all in the expanse of about a month.

It started when my dad unexpectedly passed away while we were on vacation. Our trip was re-routed so we could fly to Florida and spend some time grieving with my family. When we returned back to our homeland, within a week my son came down with an intense ear-infection as well as Hands, Foot, and Mouth Disease the following day. The finality of my father’s death hit me the following week, spiraling me into depression and anxiety that led me into random crying episodes, whether at work or at home. A week after my son incurred HFMD, we had flash flooding in our area due to Hurricane Ida and our basement—where we lived—(mainly the bedroom) got flooded (which hadn’t happened since the ’72 flood according to our pap). We had to tear out the carpet in our bedroom. The apartment smelled like wet dog for a couple days. With all of our things and furniture taking up the small space of the basement, we were forced to move our sleeping arrangements upstairs with our gram and pap, who we were living with. And to top it off, the following week as we were starting to get the house in order again, my husband formed an abscess that we had to take him to the emergency room to medically drain, only to find out it was a hemorrhoid, though equally as painful. (Don’t tell him this, but it was a little funny to watch him waddle like a duck for a few days).

I know this sounds like a lot. And it is a lot. During this period, my husband and I were struggling with pressure on all sides of our life that we had never experienced before.

Swimming in depression and anxiety, I felt constantly overwhelmed and couldn’t make sense most of what was happening. I recall repeating this phrase often: “I just don’t know what’s happening. It’s like my life isn’t even real to me anymore.”

I remember losing so much hope and faith. Joy and peace felt like a distant memory that I could only read about in my journals. I felt fatigued often and had trouble keeping up with the demands of my life. I laid down my job temporarily so I could focus on healing. And I know it sounds terrible to say, but whilst I was seeking God in the early stages of grief, I had a horrible time connecting with Him. I knew I should seek Him more and more and more, despite my feelings, but when I couldn’t connect with my Father, I began to lose interest altogether.

My praying diminished.

My praise and worship lessened.

My Bible reading decreased.

My spiritual warfare became, for lack of better words, dead.

After the last month and a half of trial after trail, which I have all but ripped my hair out in frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness, I felt the Lord’s gentle promptings: “Come back to me, dear one, let me heal you.” I wanted to be healed, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I was going to fall in love with my Savior all over again.

It started with the one passage in Luke 8 about the woman Jesus healed who suffered from bleeding for twelve years. Luke tells us that she had spent all she had on doctors and still could not find a cure for her ailment. As her last hope, she approached Jesus from behind Him and touched the end of His robe. Scripture tells us as soon as she did, her bleeding stopped.

“Who touched me?” Jesus asked.

“When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds are hemming you in and pressing against you.”

“Someone did touch me,” said Jesus. “I know the power has gone out from me.”

When the woman saw that she was discovered, she came trembling and fell down before Him. In the presence of all the people, she declared the reason she had touched Him and how she was instantly healed. “Daughter,” He said to her, “your faith has saved you. Go in peace.”

I have always loved this passage, mostly because I envied the kind of faith she had in her Savior and praying to God to increase my faith to be like hers. But never had I interpreted this passage the way Kelly Minter had in one of her podcasts from “Following Jesus Into Sacred Spaces”, providing me with a whole new perspective on the healing process.

Kelly Minter goes on to say that when the bleeding woman touched Jesus and was instantly healed, Jesus didn’t have to stop. In fact, at this particular moment before she touched Him, Luke 8:40-42 tells us that Jesus was approached by a man named Jairus, who was a leader of the synagogue, and pleaded with Jesus to come heal his twelve year old daughter, who was dying. Scripture tells us that as Jesus was going, meaning, as He was following Jairus to his house to help his daughter, He was stopped by a mysterious woman in not only desperate need of physical healing, but emotional and spiritual as well. No, Jesus didn’t have to stop. He could have kept going because the woman was already healed anyway. So why did He?

Okay, fair warning: I’m going to jump around a little here. I think it is absolutely crucial to understand the background behind the bleeding woman to fully grasp the reason why Jesus stopped to acknowledge her. Back in this day, for a woman to have this kind of illness, especially a Jewish woman, meant she was completely cut off from the community. To have this kind of ailment meant she was ceremonially unclean and a religious outcast. For twelve years she had been isolated from God’s people and even from God Himself because she could not enter the temple as she was. For twelve years she had been living in a prison of her own shame, alone and uninvited. Can you imagine living in this place of complete hopelessness, cut off from the Healer Himself?

I think we can determine that though Jesus knew this woman was physically healed, her complete healing wasn’t finished yet. We believe Jesus wanted to give her a greater restoration than what she initially requested, and beyond what she expected. What she needed was for Jesus to stop, acknowledge her publicly, so she could no longer hide in her shame privately. She needed Jesus to come face to face with her, to restore her heart and soul, and to see for herself just how much she had captured the heart of her King.

True healing is never a one-size fits all, tie in a pretty bow, and get on your merry way kind of process. Each one of us is uniquely designed, uniquely special, and uniquely broken. Our needs are different and how we heal is distinct. But our God is always the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He will never change. He always knows how to best heal each one of us in our own special way, and the one thing we all can count on in the healing process is that we need God. We can’t do it on our own.

I remember expecting God to help me grieve the passing of my father and than I could go back to life. Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy did I have that wrong! I was a lot more messed up than I thought I was. I had drifted from God. I was letting addiction rule my life (and yes, sugar addiction is still an addiction). I was allowing Satan to fortify strongholds in my mind during my brief time of depression that I had told myself I would never have him build up again. I didn’t just need a physical healing, I needed an emotional, mental, and spiritual detox. Like, get a disinfectant fogger and clean this baby out!

What I needed was to be restored back to my Father’s heart. As I spent time in His sweet Presence, and as my hunger for the Lord came back, everything else started falling into place: the acceptance of my father’s death, the acceptance of the trials we had faced and, to be honest, finding them a bit on the comical side, finding joy and peace, trusting in the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness, combating the enemies lies with truth, not isolating myself, breaking addictions that were leading me away from God, and seeing hope for the future again. Most of all, I started having a crazy love for Jesus again!

Healing (and grieving) will appear different for everyone. This was how it looked like for me. It may look different for you. It may take longer, faster, more mountains, more valleys, more meltdowns in the car, more throwing pans across the floor, (I just ask you please not to throw your hamster across the room no matter how tempting it may seem). If you walk this process out with God, it will end good. You will end healed. And you will be fully restored.